SUNDAY JUNE 21, 2015
…I told Mom that I had a lot of work to do so i needed to go home. I haven’t been able to make my diary easily searchable for some time and I am far behind in people I need to write to. I told Mom what I was doing. She was happy about that. But she was still completely terrified what I was about to leave. So I stayed a bit longer. I was planning to leave at 5pm. But I stayed until 7:20pm. Mom was wonderful. We ate together, washed the dishes and talked. But when I tried to leave she was terrified. She knew what was waiting. I also knew what was waiting her. I also knew that I couldn’t stop the abuse even if I was there, so I was hoping that I could help Mom better by going home and work. After I got home I regret that I left. I know that I have a lot of work to do. And I know that I can’t stop the abuse by being there with Mom. But Mom would have felt a little bit safer if I had been there and if I had come in and hugged her after the abuse. If I had been sitting by her bed when she was falling asleep. I hope that Mom managed to have a good night. And I hope that the work I did by going home will make a difference. Here are some notes from the day:
* It was a beautiful day. After a horrible spring and beginning of the summer this was the first real summer day. It was sunny and no wind. It was the first warm day. A tiny bit cold in the air, but the sun kept it warm and it was no wind.
* 2:40pm, I arrive to Levinsgården.
* Mom is in bed in a dark room, even though it is a gorgeous day.
* Mom is happy to see me. She hugs me.
* I ask Mom why she is in bed on a dark room. She doesn’t know.
* I ask Mom if she wants to get up. The answer is yes! There is no doubt. She pulls the blanket off and she tries to get out of bed herself.
* I tell Mom that it is beautiful weather outside and I ask her off she wants to take a walk. She is excited about this.
* I tell the staff that Mom wants to get up. They are not very enthusiastic about this, but there are other people around so they promise to come and help Mom out of bed.
* It takes a while, but eventually they show up.
* Mom is terrified when she sees Sven. She is really scared of him. I do have to leave though, since they don’t allow me to be with Mom.
* What follows is horrifying even from the outside of the room. Mom screams in terror. When I can go in to her a few minutes later she is in shock, just sitting in her chair not moving. Was this really necessary?
* Mom is happy to see me, but it takes a few minutes for her to get back. She is happy though to take a walk, so we leave fought away.
* 3pm, We leave Levinsgården. Mom opens the doors. She is happy when she gets outside.
* We decide to buy an ice cream, so we head down to Westbergs. It turns out that it is a few minutes after 3pm, so he is already closed. He is still inside. He unlocks the door and lets us in so we can buy an ice cream. Really nice.
* I let Mom pick her own ice cream. She chooses Daimstrut. I ask her to get me the same, which she does. Arnold has already closed the can register so we have to come back and pay tomorrow. Mom thank him when we are leaving.
* We sit across the street in the sun eating our ice creams. Mom is very happy. I eat my ice cream a little bit quicker than she, so then she wants to share the end with me. She is as generous as she always has been.
* When we are done eating Mom throws away the garbage in the bin.
* We take walk to the lake by the hotel. The lake is beautiful. Mom is really enjoying this. She has not been allowed to see the sun or be outside for a very long time. She is takes by the beauty of the lake and the mountains.
* We keep walking through the camping on our way back. Mom is very happy to see people and animals. When they greet us Mom greets back.
* When we walk back we meet Margoth Swanström outside Bilisten. Mom was not very enthusiastic to see her. I don’t know why. She was still very polite though.
* 4:45pm, We turn up towards Levinsgården. Mom gets sad and worried. I tell Mom that we don’t have much of an option right now. We have to go back to Levinsgården for dinner. It is very clear that Mom doesn’t want to. I tell Mom that I am working to let her get out of Levinsgården. She looks a bit hopeful. But I also tell her that there are people working hard to refuse her to get out of there. I tell Mom that Margareta (her daughter) and Dad are refusing her to get out of there. Mom looks devastated and she shakes her head. When I again tell her that we don’t have much of on option but to go back to Levinsgården she doesn’t look happy, but she doesn’t object.
* 4:50pm, We are back at Levinsgården. Mom opens the doors.
* I tell Mom that she can pull herself forward using the handrail if she wants. She does. Mom is awesome. She world’s really hard and she does really well. The abuse at Levinsgården has been devastating for her, but she hasn’t given up. She still wants to train to get better. She is amazing!
* On the way to Mom’s room we meet Märit in the corridor. She is very happy to see us. I tell her the midsummer greetings that Linda sent to her and Mom. Both Mom and Märit are happy about this. They want to send greetings back. I take a picture of them to send to Linda.
* 5pm, Dinner is not ready, so Mom and I go in to her room. Mom is not happy to go in to her room. She looks anxious and worried. I can’t blame her. We drink a glass of water and sit by the table. I tell Mom that I will leave to go to Gussvattnet to eat and work when she gets her dinner.
* 5:15pm, Dinner is still not ready. Mom and I go outside her room to take a look. The other residents are sitting by the table now, but there is no food on the table. Mom and I go back on to her room to wait until the food is ready.
* 5:20pm, Staff brings food into Mom’s room. I tell them that I will leave so it is better to let Mom eat with the others. Staff is not very interested to let Mom out of her room. It is also very clear that Mom wants me to stay. So I decide to stay and eat with her.
* Mom is happy that I am staying. She is eager to share her food with me. I tell her that I have put a can of white beans in her cupboard. I will heat this up and we can eat together.
* I do try a little of Mom’s food. Mom prepares the best piece for me and gives it to me. The food is completely disgusting. The potatoes is cold and so is the rest of the food. It doesn’t taste good or look good. I was still very grateful to Mom. She selected the best piece and she prepared it nicely with everything on before she gave it to me. That was the best she could do.
* 6pm, We finish dinner. Mom cleans up on her plate. She helps cleaning up the table.
* Mom helps with the dishes. I wash and she dries. She puts away the utensils nicely in the drawer and she hands me the plates and the glasses.
* When we are done I tell Mom again that I need to go to do some work. I tell her what I will do. She is grateful for this, but she is terrified when I am about to leave. I tell Mom that I will help her out in the TV-room so that she doesn’t have to be alone. There might be something to watch on the TV there will be someone that sees if she needs anything (I knew that was a lie, but it would still be a better chance that someone would care than if she would be locked in to her room alone).
* I helped Mom out to the TV room and placed her next to Boar. Boar is really nice. When I tried to leave and Mom was terrified he talked to Mom and tried to make her feel safe. Mom was completely terrified though, so I decided to stay a bit longer with her.
* Mom and I talked. She explained things very clearly even without words. I told her what I was hoping to do and how I am trying to help her get out of there. She was happy when I explained, but she was still terrified every time I was trying to leave. She knew what was waiting her. I can’t blame her for being terrified. I too knew what was waiting her.
* In any normal place I would have been able to stay with Mom and do my work there, making her feel safe and have the company she wanted. But in any normal place I wouldn’t need to do this work. What happens at Levinsgården should never be possible to happen.
* 7:20pm, I left Mom at Levinsgården. Mom was still terrified, but she did show understanding when I explained what I was going to do. Boar cared a lot and he tried to comfort her. It was still heartbreaking to hear Mom’s scream in horror when I left.
* When I left I thought that it was the best thing so I could get some work done. No solution would be good, but since I haven’t been able to do the work I need to help Mom out of Levinsgården I was hoping this would be the best option – or at least the least bad option. So I left praying that Mom would have a decent evening.
* After I got home I regret that I left her. I know that I couldn’t stop the abuse by being there. With the support from Britt-Marie Hallin at IVO Levinsgården will continue the abuse. My presence won’t stop them. I know that. Mom knows that. Levinsgården have proven this many times. I also know that I needed time to write this and other things to be able to help Mom. But I still regret that I left her. Even with the abuse that was awaiting her it might have been easier for her if I had stayed. And it might have been much easier for her if I had come in to sit by her bed after they were done. It would have made her feel safer even though I couldn’t stop the abuse. Now I hope that my writing and my work will help her in some way.
* Mom did have an amazing few hours when she was allowed out of her isolation cell. She was allowed to get out, get fresh air, see the sun, meet people, exercise by pulling herself, feel valuable by helping, care for others by showing her generosity, eat ice cream and have fun. This is never a popular thing at Levinsgården. I wonder what Mom will have to face after this. More restrictions? More isolation? More drugs? More abuse? What arguments will they use this time?
See also notes from Mother’s Day, when they were violent to her when she objected to their abuse. And also other notes from June.